I am dead or at least as close to death as you can get without actually being dead. I have lost all will in living. I’m trapped though; due to a promise I made to a friend I cannot leave. I lived my life in purgatory because of the mistakes I’ve made. I cannot correct the mistakes I’ve made I can only live with them. Some days I wish I was blessed with a fatal illness that would end me so I wouldn’t live the pain I do each day. I’ve been making my mistakes all my life but most were made in my teen years stretching into my mid twenties.
The first and greatest mistakes I made and continue to make are self-doubt and self-loathing. No matter what I do it’s never good enough for me. Not that I’m a perfectionist, I just never amount to my aspirations. It frustrates me but I know it’s our job as humans to hardest on our selves. I can’t think of anybody who has been a harder judge on me than me and I feel bad for that. I know that me hurting myself has hurt others. It hurt others because, for some reason, they cared.
I don’t know why people in my life cared (and still do care) about me or why there are even ‘people’ in my life. No matter how hard I push and how atrocious my actions were towards them they stayed close. I guess they knew that no matter how much of a prick I was to them that I really did love and care about them too. I didn’t want to love them; I didn’t want them to love me. I just wanted everybody to forget who I was so I could leave in peace. It was too late; I would only hurt them more by leaving. They didn’t even know I wanted to leave.
How could they know? I always walked around with an intoxicated smile on my face. An intoxicated smile that was intoxicating to see. I was good at faking my emotions. I had enough practice acting happy when I was depressed or any emotion when I was actually feeling something negative. Why would I let people know how I was feeling, so they could feel false sympathy towards me so they could feel better as people? No, their sympathy would have been true. How could I have been so stupid as to not trust people enough to request their help?
If only I had asked them to help me, maybe I wouldn’t be in the state I currently in. Maybe I would want to be in this world. I could have been happy, I could have been married, and I could have a family. But sadly, these and many other dreams have been broken like so many things in my past. I’m sure you are curious about a few things: what have I done in my past; who is this friend I made a promise to; and why, even surrounded by people that love me, I would want to leave. My apologies if it was rude of me to assume you actually cared and were curious about my life. I am going to continue on none the less.